Here at Penguinwire.com, we’ve picked up a new and exciting writer to give us a new perspective on the Penguins and the NHL at large.  I’d like to introduce to you, “Fake Mick Jagger.”

Well, all right! Yeah! Pleased to meet you, hope you guess my name. It shouldn’t be hard, it’s in the introduction. This is Fake Mick here, destined to keep you happy and I hope that you’ll take a chance on the tumblin dice with me. I may have no expectations, but I hope you do as this could be the last time I’d ever get a job like this.

You know, across hockey land, there is this guy. This crazy guy who wears a tinted visor and kinda looks like Robocop, he may or may not know robot karate, but he can score goals just like he’s ringing a bell. That man is Alexander Ovechkin. He plays for the Washington Capitals, and let me tell you folks out there in Penguin-land, he’s real good.

He will be the first player to score 60 goals in a season since our hero, Mario Lemieux, did it in 1996. That is very impressive, and it’s a two way horse race between he and our own little Russian Bear, Evgeni Malkin, for the Art Ross Trophy. Here’s hoping it’s Malkin’s name on that trophy.

But this Ovechkin dude is a force. He’s a power forward, big and strong, but unlike the great pure goal scorers of the past like Phil Esposito, Mike Bossy, and others, the guy can do it all by himself like a center. The only reason he doesn’t play center is because the only “weakness” in his game is his playmaking ability. He only has 38 assists. But still, brothers and sisters, this guy is dynamic! Don’t boo his ass when he comes to the Mellon, unless all goes as planned and the Caps somehow sneak into the 8th spot in the playoffs and the Pens get the 1 seed. It’ll be like old times.

Peter Forsberg returned to the Avalanche last night, and I say, who cares? Yeah, ol Foppa was a grand player back in the day. Tough as nails with skill out your ass. Kinda like Crosby. But to Fake Mick, he’s just another has been.

I’m sorry. It should be a big deal whenever a player like Forsberg graces the ice, especially in his case where injuries cut a great career a little short. I just can’t help but hate the guy ever since he put on a Flyers jersey. Seriously, Fake Mick has a rule. If a player has worn a Flyers jersey, they automatically suck. It’s hard, you know. I loved Mark Recchi, but that Flyers logo pisses me off. R.J. Umberger is from Plum, but sorry, him too. That also goes for Rick Tocchet, who I loved as a Penguin, as well as just about every player who ever went through the Flyers organization.

I thought this would be funnier. It’s really not, but Fake Mick will be back. Until then, I’ll be riding down your moonlight mile and trying to get up enough jam to fornicate with an African American woman all night. Some girls, yeah.